


Voicemail

by ashes_and_ashes



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drarry, F/M, Fluff, HP - Freeform, M/M, Voicemails, drarry fluff, ronmione, ronmione fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23744986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashes_and_ashes/pseuds/ashes_and_ashes
Summary: Message Seven:“Hi Ron, it’s Harry. Not to worry, everything is going to plan, Rose and I are just…getting some fresh air?”“Your acting skills are tremendous, Harry.”“Fuck off Draco, we’re - don’t worry, Ron, your child isn’t lost, she’s just a bit…High? Physically, not mentally. I mean, we wouldn’t have given her drugs, that’s a big no-no and - DRACO? DRACO IS THAT - I’ll call you back!!”
Relationships: Draco Malfoy & Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Comments: 22
Kudos: 155





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm moving some of my tumblr fics over to ao3 and this was one I thought was pretty funny.

**You have:** 15 **new voicemails.**

**Message One:**

“Hey Ron, it’s Harry. Why am I saying that it’s me. You have my number saved, right? I hope so, cause I’m babysitting your fucking kid. Ah, shoot I probably shouldn’t swear so much, right? Not my fault - Draco swears like a Scottish sailor when he gets mad. Anyways, just wanted to let you know it’s all okay and hope you enjoy your date with ‘Mione. Hope you get some. You need it.”

**Message Two:**

“Hey Ron. So uh, I know Hermione left dinner for Rose but she wouldn’t eat it. Like full on, tantrum, wouldn’t eat it. And I know that I’m the boy who lived and everything, blah blah but seriously mate, I’m panicking? What do I do?”

**Message Three:**

“Yeah so Draco and I are never having kids. Rose wouldn’t eat, so we asked her what her favourite food was and she said fried eggs? So Draco made her some, and she seemed pretty happy until she started asking for dessert. And - your kid is going to be a pathological liar, I swear cause she said she was allowed ice cream? And we gave her some because what else were we supposed to do? Do babies usually stick to the ceiling? How long until they fall off?”

**Message Four:**

“Ron, I appreciate that you’ve probably turned your phone off cause you’re in the theatre or some shit but Rose is bouncing off the walls. Literally. And she’s shitting sparks. Is this natural kid behavior? Kid-wizard-baby thing that I conveniently missed out on? Please help me because I have no idea what to do and - oh god, the toaster is sparking. DRACO, WHY IS THE FUCKING TOASTER SPARKING??”

**Message Five:**

“Ron I am the smartest person I know. Hermione said that her favourite treat was those sugar quills right? We bribed her to get off the roof with those. Now she is happily sucking on one of them whilst Draco changes her nappy and I do the dishes. On an unrelated note you really need to stop buying these graphic mugs because they are horrible. Your “My wand is the largest” one is disgusting and Draco nearly choked when he saw it. And also…if you want to stop by a toaster shop on your way home?”

**Message Six:**

“Weasley. It’s Draco. I want to assure you I am never having kids because your child is a demon and I hope that the stained glass window in your study wasn’t terribly expensive because Rose just flew out of it. Don’t worry, Harry is going to get her but I’m afraid she may have flown rather far, due to the whole levitating sherbets - What? How was I supposed to know that? Harry you idiot, I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to mention the sherbet? How do I delete voice mail - Harry? Harry you’re the fucking Muggle here - Harry? Harry??”

**Message Seven:**

“Hi Ron, it’s Harry. Not to worry, everything is going to plan, Rose and I are just…getting some fresh air?”

“Your acting skills are tremendous, Harry.”

“Fuck off Draco, we’re - don’t worry, Ron, your child isn’t lost, she’s just a bit…High? Physically, not mentally. I mean, we wouldn’t have given her drugs, that’s a big no-no and - DRACO? DRACO IS THAT - I’ll call you back!!”

**Message Eight:**

“Hey, so it’s Pansy and Harry just wanted me to let you know to not worry, everything is under control. We’re going to find Rose and he promises she’ll be okay - oh sorry? I wasn’t supposed to mention that? Okay _you_ fucking call then asshole!”

**Message Nine:**

“This is Blaise. I’m not sure if I’ve ever called you before but first time for everything. We have it all under control - Draco just invited Pans and I over because your daughter is a…handful. Anyways, enjoy your date.”

**Message Ten:**

“Hello, I am the hidden heir to the Black Fortune, and I am currently wrongfully imprisoned in Azkaban. I need you to open up a Gringott’s account so I can transfer thirty million galleons to you. I need an outside source to hold my money while I arrange for my release. If you would just send me the account details, I will allocate a significant reward to you once I am free. Please call me back, or send an Owl.”

**Message Eleven:**

“It’s Theo. Yep, the whole gang came over because it’s hard work caring for your spawn. Also, it takes a village to raise a child right? Anyways, just wanted to reassure you that your child is definitely at home with us and not halfway up a tree in the middle of the park. I promise I’m not be sarcastic. Potter, stop making that face at me. Potter - “

**Message Twelve:**

“Harry here - she’s fine, I promise Ron, swear it on my life, she’ll be okay, alright? Just enjoy your date and - you haven’t even answered your phone yet, oh god, all the voicemails BLAISE YOU HALFBLOOD GET YOUR ASS HERE - “

**Message Thirteen:**

“ - how’d she get into a fucking tree - “

“ - floated?”

“ - fucking helpful you piece of - “

“ - someone get me a ladder or a rope - “

“ - rope? Gonna climb your way to the top Pans?”

“ - make yourself fucking useful - “

“ - god is she spinning? A twirling, psychotic baby?”

“ - best friend’s daughter so shut your face Zabini - “

“ - will never, ever have children - “

“ - with the amount you and Potter bang it’s highly fucking unlikely that you won’t have children - “

“ - THAT’S NOT HOW BIOLOGY WORKS - “

“ - do you have her? I think - “

“ - YOU CAN’T HAVE A CHILD BY STICKING A DICK UP AN ASS - “

" - oh you'd be the _first_ to know about sticking dicks up asses Parkinson considering how much _you_ see dicks - "

“ - oh my god this was recording the whole time - “

" - I've probably seen more dicks than you with the amount of nudes I get sent - " 

“ - turn it off, turn it off - “

“ - oh god it’s fucking sending HARRY - “

**Message Fourteen:**

“It’s okay, Ron, we have her. This is Draco by the way. We’re on our way home now and - no. No, Harry, get that grin off your face - “

**Message Fifteen:**

“Hi Ron, it’s Harry again. Rose is asleep and I was thinking, all this chaos has taught me that I actually operate pretty well under stress. I think…I think I might want to have a kid. What do you think?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Ron (11:48 pm):** hey mate thanks so much for watching Rose. We had a great time :)

 **Me (11:52 pm):** yeah np anytime. uh, just a heads up - maybe dont check ur voicemail when you get back?

 **Ron (11:59 pm):** voice mail? I havent checked my vm in like 3 years???

 **Me (12:01 am):** ah fuck

 **Me (12:02 am):** nvrm forget I said anything

 **Ron (12:04 am):** yeah that’s totally going to make me not check my vm when I get back home idiot

 **Ron (12:04 am)** : what happened??

 **Ron (12:10 am):** harry?

 **Ron (12:18 am):** harry don’t you fucking dare ghost me

 **Ron (12:19 am):** mione wants to know what happened or she said she’ll arrest you for child negligence

 **Me (12:23 am):** sorry

 **Me (12:23 am):** btw how do you want the dishes stacked

 **Ron (12:26 am):** don’t change the subject what happened

 **Me (12:27 am):** ok so firstly remember that everyone is okay and this will be a funny story to tell rose at a dinner party in 12 years

 **Me (12:29 am):** and no one was hurt

 **Me (12:31 am):** and it was an accident

 **Ron (12:32 am):** I’m checking my voice mail

 **Me (12:32 am):** pls dont let mione listen

 **Ron (12:33 am):** too late

 **Ron (12:33 am):** I’m putting it on speakerphone

 **Me (12:34 am):** um i really wouldnt

 **Me (12:34 am)** : im going now

 **Ron (12:43 am):** HARRY

 **Ron (12:43 am)** : HARRY WHAT THE DUCK

 **Ron (12:43 am):** *FUCK

 **Ron (12:45):** HARRY ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE

 **Ron (12:47):** YOU LITTLE SHIT

 **Ron (12:48):** YOU AND FERRET ARE DEAD

[17] missed calls.


End file.
